When I cut my hair I swore to myself that I would never bleach, lighten, highlight, or do anything damaging to it. I was going to keep it dark and healthy. Well that idea flew right out the window when someone suggested that I go blonde again. I was looking at pictures of myself with blonde hair, and I liked it. I thought it suited me. Well one bleach and two lighteners later my hair is FUCKED. Fucked beyond repair. It’s thin, frizzy, dry and breaks easily. The only way I can get it too look halfway decent is if I load it with deep conditioner, leave-in conditioner and frizz-ease. Gone are the days of just being able to throw a little gel in it when it’s wet and letting it air dry.
I should have known better. All the years of dying my hair and attending cosmetology school, I should have known what was going to happen. But that’s the problem….. Once I get an idea in my head, I HAVE to follow through with it. If I don’t I feel anxious, agitated and annoyed, then that’s followed with feelings of regret, frustration and sadness. I’ve been this way as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager it got me into a lot of trouble. A lot or trouble. Sex, drugs, verbal and physical fights, problems at school, problems at my job(s) and problems with the “law”. I was just an all-around cunt and I didn’t care. Now, that I’m older and a wife and mother, I’ve “calmed down”. I still have problems when it comes to knowing when to tell myself “no”, knowing certain consequences and spending money. I do, however, know why I acted/act the way that I did/do. It’s deep-seated and something I will never discuss on a public blog. When I was 15 I learned the truth about myself. I learned why I have certain reactions to certain situations and why I feel the way that I do. Last year I wrote a public entry that went into great detail as to why, but I quickly deleted it. I felt it was too personal and would only bring ridicule….
Anyway… Back to what I was originally talking about…. I’m absolutely devastated over my hair. Devastated to the point that when I think about it for too long, I cry. I loved my hair. It was thick, healthy, long and I finally had it cut the way that I’ve wanted it cut for years. And I ruined it. Now my only options are to either try to bring some life back into it, or cut it all off and start again. I think I’m going to try the former and if that doesn’t work I’ll go with the latter (because I won’t have much of a choice). Another thing that really gets me is the fact that in the past month, between the cut and dye, I’ve spent well over a 100 bux on my hair. WTF. What sane person that has a child to take care of and bills to pay and a birthday party and baby shower coming up does that?? EGGGGHHH. If I could go back in time, I would NEVER have done this. Especially right before our housewarming/my son’s 3rd birthday party. Dumb.
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